The other day lil cousin Brooke (in the pink) sent me an im in facebook asking me if I would come to the fair and watch them show their sheep. I was really happy that they asked me to be there so I said yes.
This morning I got up at 6 am - far too early for me - and drove 2 hours to Fowlerville, MI. The trip had some adventure to it - I stopped at McDonald's in Zeeland and ordered hotcakes and sausage. I like to butter the pancakes and cut the sausage up and roll it in the pancake. I pull off to the side of the road and opened the bag and no utensils - WTF - how am I suppose to butter the pancakes or cut my sausage. Went back thru the drive-thru real quick and got what I needed.
I forgot to blog yesterday! I tried a novel concept of actually walking away from my computer and sewing machine. I let myself escape from the tractor beam that is my computer - not easy to do. I not only walked away - I actually logged out!!
I let myself finally read the new book by Janet Evanovich - Sizzling 16 - it was a decent Stephanie Plum yarn. I loved "Step, stomp, step, stomp, step, stomp." Really reminded me of when I had the walking cast on my foot. LOL.
I even started another book last night "Dead over Heals" by Charlaine Harris. Love her stuff.
I think it really helped me that I opened up the windows and doors for a while yesterday and let some fresh air in - it is too humid today to do that though. Maybe I will set out on my porch this evening and read some. It was a very pleasant thing to do last night - that is until my neighbor started to mow his backyard. :)
It is in one of the Douglas Adam's books that refers to Sundays as "the long dark teatime of the soul". I can never remember which book but I looked it up and it was - Life, The Universe and Everything.
I feel like I have had a weekend like a Sunday afternoon that never ends. It has been a long and annoying weekend. Nothing has seemed to make me happy. I cried a big chunk of Saturday. The rest of the weekend I have been uninspired and felt like I needed to get out and run screaming down the road.
I did not have a show this weekend so there really was little reason to go anywhere. I did get out for a bit on Saturday which probably helped in the big picture.
I would say that maybe I will go to the beach tomorrow but I probably won't. I need to let myself take the time to read "Sizzling 16" by Janet Evanovich.
I have been holding onto the fact that Lee still had me as a contact in Skype and now it looks like he has gotten rid of it. It just makes me horribly sad. It feels like he will never contact me now. It is breaking my heart. I have held out hope and been so optimistic and understanding. It could still be a Skype glitch. I think it is somewhat unstable.
Then again it looks like he was doing stuff in facebook again - like he was further shutting it down. That he was deleting friends in it again. I just don't understand it.
I think the other problem is that I have been at home most of the week and getting antsy. I am suppose to get my hair cut in about an hour and a half and I just hope I can stop crying to get there at least.
I have been trying to figure out tonight why I have been feeling for lack of a better word - twisty. Just kinda unsure of how I am feeling and why.
I called my Mom and asked her what day Grandma died. She said the 16th. I go - oh that is today.
The picture is of my Mom - Karen and of my Grandma - Gail. It was taken at a Pizza Hut not to far from the facility my Grandma was in. The good thing is that my aunt Nancy was the controller at the nursing home so she was able to check on Grandma everyday. My grandma had dementia - she was in part of the facility called - Golden Meadows - or some such shit of a name. My grandma basically referred to it as prison. They had to put her there after it just became too hard for all of the sisters to care for her. She was better off in a sense being where there were trained people 24/7 to be there for her.
I lived in Cuyahoga Falls, OH at the time - about 4 hours away but I did try to get there as often as possible to see her. Not easy but I loved her so dearly that I wanted to be with her. On her last day, I was not sure if I could get there in time so I stayed home and prayed. It was kind of interesting because I had decided to reupholster a chair - never had done one before - but I had seen my grandma and my aunt Delores do it a bunch of times. In a way, I was doing what I had learned from my grandma - I did it to be close to her.
The morning after she passed - I sat in a big ugly Lazy Boy recliner - that had been my Grandpa's - I got it when Grandma was moved to Michigan from Florida and no one wanted it - I said I will take it. There is actually more to it than this but I am not going to go into that at this point.
I sat in that big orange reupholstered recliner and thought about my Grandma and my Grandpa. I started to write my feelings down. I was later allowed to read it at her memorial service. I was the only one to get up and say anything besides the pastor. I had everyone balling. I looked up at one point while reading and locked eyes with my cousin Terry and almost lost it myself.
I was later told that it helped people remember stuff - like the aluminum glasses we would drink out of at her house or the bottles of colored water in her windows of the kitchen at her house on Willow Way in Michigan.
My sewing business is a tribute to her - I really started to sew a lot more after she passed. I was trying to feel closer to her and that is how I did it - my Grandma was always sewing - she had an alterations business for many years out of her house in Barefoot Bay FL.
I was so lucky to have been her granddaughter. I was lucky to have a grandma that was loving and kind, funny, honest, caring, did not pass judgment, loved us for who we were as individuals, affectionate, was just great to hang out with.
Love you Grandma so very much. I still tear up - just as I am now - I miss you so bad. Thank you for being so wonderful!!! I know you are now in Heaven with Grandpa and Bobby - and everyone else we have loved. Keep watch over us - I hope we all still make you smile :)
I have been trying to post something everyday. I have been setting here trying to think of something to post. Nothing really profound comes to mind. So let's go with the randomness of it all.
Randomness begins here: Why is Mafia Wars such an addictive game? Not like anything moves or any action. I guess it must be the strategic side of it. I also do so love pounding the shit out of others in fights. Also, it is a great social game.
When my sewing machine did not want to work earlier - why did it take me 5 minutes to check if I had plugged in the right cord. Amazing how things work when they are actually plugged in!!! I am such a dumb ass sometimes.
I was strangely compelled to watch the House marathon on USA today.
I swept my sewing room today - there was so much dust and threads everywhere - amazing what not sweeping my work space for a few weeks can do. I even vacuumed the tv set - a lovely thick layer or dust from the fabric was all over everything. I often wonder what my poor lungs look like.
I love to watch Top Chef. Not that I would actually eat most of what they make but it just fascinates me. I love the marathons on Bravo. For that matter, I love marathons of my favorite shows.
I hope when I tell myself that Lee will get a hold of me soon that I am not just lying to myself. I think the probability of him getting a hold of me is greater than the probability of him blowing me off. But then again - I did flunk Stats 315 the first time through. I did however get a 3.0 on my second try and got a 3.0 for Stats 317 - on the first try may I add!!! I am glad that the U2 concert was finally rescheduled - not so happy that it is not until June 26, 2011. What if Bono breaks a hip between now and then - I mean the man is getting old. Hurt his back this year - I think his bones are getting brittle. Bono - may I call you Paul - Paul drink some milk - it does the body good - or at least that is what they tell us!!! Put down the pint of Guinness.
There is a lot more stuff bouncing around inside of my head but I think this is enough to share for now!!
Setting here on my couch looking back at today - the song "The Waiting" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. "The waiting is the hardest part" - truer words never spoken.
When ever I hear that there are US casualties in Afghanistan I always wonder if Lee is safe. I can't help but wonder. I will admit that I check the obituaries in the Kansas City Star newspaper on-line. It kind of freaked me out a bit when I seen the words "Soldier from KC killed in Afghanistan". A soldier from Lee's Battalion was killed but he was in a different province. I am very sorry for the man's family.
I sent Lee a skype im asking him to just let me know he is okay. It has been like 5 weeks since I have heard from him. No matter what I hope his headaches have stopped or gotten more tolerable and I hope he is safe.
I just wish I would hear from him. I am assuming that he and I are still good. I am still a contact in Skype. I guess if he wanted to be done with me he would get rid of that. I just have to think that he is really busy and needs to focus on his task at hand.
I guess until then I will just have to wait.........
I stumbled today. I don't really know why. Maybe it was the dust cloud of cotton fibers that I stirred up while cutting batting. Maybe it is the humidity outside. Not really sure of the reason but I signed into Skype and sent him a "Hi".
I feel so damn weak. Like such a "L" as in loser. I almost made it a week without sending him any sort of messages.
Well the one good thing is that it finally looks like Skype instant messenger is finally working - it did not have the swirling arrow - damn I hate that swirling arrow thingy.
Well I guess he will know that I had not forgotten him. Even though I feel like he has forgotten me. Men really do have shit for brains at times. I still wish I knew what the fuck happened with him. One day - chatty the next day - crickets. I freaking hate crickets - damn chirping things.
I wrote down some thoughts on Saturday but had not had the time to post it here.
************************ Thoughts go back and forth looking out over the marina. All the boats - hop aboard and motor towards Lake Michigan - you can go anywhere from there.
My thoughts to go Afghanistan and my short little half Mexican soldier. I still hope he things about me. Today is day 4 since I sent him any messages. I hope my pulling back works. Or will it. I hope he knows that I did not forget him or give up on him. I think that is what worries me the most. I am not trying to play games. All I want is him to call me. *************************************************************** Those were just some of my thoughts as I sat at the back of my booth on Saturday. Nothing profound or earth shattering.
I miss talking to him so much. I would always look forward to our talks. It made me so happy when he was able to either chat with me or call. I loved seeing his face on my computer monitor. Watching him smile. Telling me to put my tongue back in my mouth - with a big ole smile on his face. Seeing him give me kisses when we would sign off. It was funny when he would call me when lights were out in his building - the glow of the computer monitor made it so I could see the outlines of his face - kinda very Blaire Witch Project.
He would call me at night when he could not sleep - he had a lot of problems sleeping prior to them putting him on the headache medicine. We would talk for at least a few hours almost every day. He would pop on facebook or yahoo and tell me that he would get to talk to me soon - just pop on to say hi and that he would be back after the briefings or a meeting. It always seemed like he enjoyed talking to me.
I knew he missed me.
It was a tough couple of weeks when he was traveling from Vegas back to his base - that volcano in Iceland stranded him in Spain for a while. I got two messages during that time - both ended with "miss you".
Lee - Baby I know you are out there somewhere and I pray to God everyday that you will be back with me. Also, that he keep you safe.
I just wish I knew what was going on - if we are done please let me know, if we aren't but ya don't have a lot of time please let me know that too. I miss you bunches and bunches.
I knew the risks and I have no regrets. I just love and miss my soldier.... kisses baby
Wow! What a busy weekend! I am beat tired. I got back home safely from my trip. Surprised I did since I had the handle of one of my hand carts popped me in the head when I dropped one of my tent weights on it. That really freaking hurt.
I am so tired tonight - craft show all day - then we drove back to Petoskey and then up to Mackinaw City - had dinner, bought some fudge, we drove across the Mackinaw Bridge - can't even tell ya the last time I was in the UP of Michigan. I know it has been about 30 years since I have been in Mackinaw City.
I jotted down some thoughts while I was sitting at the show on Saturday. I can't retype them here right now but I will.
So much to do tomorrow - another day of the show, break down, pack up, stop by cousins house and then the whole 4 hours drive home.
As much as I miss Lee - there would have been no way I could have had the time to have talked to him if he had gotten a hold of me.
In Michigan, when we go north we call it going "Up North" - it usually to me means somewhere near the Bridge - the Mackinaw Bridge. Well I am currently about 30 some odd miles from it so I think that it counts. I am up north to do a craft show in Charlevoix this weekend.
The trip up here was a long one. 4 hours. There are lots and lots of trees in Michigan - Detroit is an oddity in a state that is so darn beautiful. But lots and lots of pine trees the further north I got the more there were.
I saw a few things that were like - what the hell were they thinking - just after 131 went from highway to two lanes there was a campground on the left side of the road with a nice looking playground and maybe a quarter mile up the road was a sign that said "Prison Area - do not pick up hitchhikers". Not a campground I think I will stay at anytime soon!
Oh and I guess somewhere and I did not know this I passed the 45th parallel - it is half way between the Equator and the North Pole.
****************** I still had lots of thoughts about Lee today. I miss him so much. I was wondering how his Harley Davidson fund was going. I cant remember what type of bike he is planning on getting. I wonder if I can ride with him on it. I remember he said he wanted to take a trip on it when he got back from Afghanistan before he went back to his regular job. I would love to go with him on his trip.
I hope that I am not kidding myself by thinking I will hear from him again. I think I will. But it will still be a while I think. I think it will be closer to when he is about to come home.
Even right now I am about to tear up - the thought of not talking to him one last time upsets me. I just want him to man up if he does not want to talk to me ever again. I mean the man is a sergeant - he knows how to tell people shit they dont wanna hear.
There is stuff that I just dont understand. I really think the headache medicine is screwing with him. This is a man who almost always made a point to get with me before he had to leave or go do something. Then all of a sudden - poof - nothing.
I have a Kelly Clarkston song running through my head - the one that says - want you to know that I could not have loved you better - your already gone. Or some such shit. lol.
It all seems like a dream now. Our trip to Vegas was 3 months ago. It was the best time I ever had there. We just had fun and a real nice time. Hot sex! Damn it was good. Oh well - memories!!!!!
Computer battery is about to give out. It feels good to have gotten some of it out of my head and on to the computer screen.
Baby- I miss you and just want to be held in your arms again. Wanna feel your hands in my hair as you kiss me deep. Night baby - stay safe and think about holding me as we sleep. Kisses baby
It has been a tough week. I am getting ready for a craft show this weekend. It is way the heck outta town for me. I had a great show this past weekend - sold lots and lots - thus I am stressing myself out trying to get more product made for this next show.
I am at heart a eternal optimist. I think stuff will turn out okay - I therefore thought or think that Lee's lack of communication is due to something other than him blowing me off. I really do believe that but to be on the safe side I need to remove myself from sending him any messages no matter the source.
It is tough for me but I need to distance myself from doing it. So I am kinda posting how I feel about it here.
I guess I figure if he needs the space so he can focus on his job is then okay - but I wish he would have told me. I just want to know the reason why. I think he is a real idiot for not letting me know. But then again men are idiots for the most part.
I happen to love this particular idiot. I know he cares about me. About a week before I last heard from him he told me that "other than my kids I only want to spend time with you" or something like that. He told me he cannot tell me how he feels until he is back from deployment. I understand that.
I guess all I want him to know right now is that I miss him horribly. I miss talking to him - miss seeing his smiling face on my computer screen. I miss listening to him. How he called me "baby". I miss his humor. I miss him talking dirty to me and me to him. I miss him spinning his laptop camera around to show me what his room there looks like. He was so funny about it.
Not hearing from him and talking to him hurts so much. I only had 6 days of being with him in Vegas but months of talking to him on the computer first through chats on facebook and then on yahoo messenger - pc to pc phone and then video chats. I miss my friend. I miss SFC Lee Gray Porter so much that it is a crushing pain. I just dont understand.
I miss his kisses and hugs and the way he kisses my neck but I knew that if that were to happen it would not be until sometime this Fall. I accept that and even though I miss it I knew it was not possible.
Lee - wherever you are tonight - I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe and doing okay. I will go to bed tonight thinking about you holding me tight to you. I wanna fall asleep listening to your heart beat. <3 <3 Please know I am thinking about you but I am trying not to talk to you. I hope you do miss me - deep inside - miss me and want me. I want you baby.....my tears tell it all.....
I decided to start a blog today for a few reasons. A while back at least one of my friends said I should blog about my story with Lee. It was playing out like a romantic comedy but right now it could turn from one into a sad drama. If it were to stay a romantic comedy - we are at the part where the guy and girl live their lives apart. Not talking - maybe a split screen. I just hope there is a part where they show the guy setting at his computer and he opens up skype or some other thing and types the words "hi" or "hey".
I just need a place to vent - I can put short stuff in my status on my Facebook account but there is just stuff I need to get out. Need to get it outta my head. I need to give him space - but I am not always good at that. Actually, I am never good at doing that. Soooooo - I am going to try and say here what I would say to him - either on skype, yahoo or by email.
So please bear with me. That is if you decide to read anything that I post. If you have any nasty comments - please keep it to yourself. If I don't know you - I am not looking for input.
I need a place to vent about how I am feeling inside. I opened my heart up and let someone in. I have no regrets about doing so. He had treated me like a princess - better than any man ever has. We met on facebook and we had a lovely trip to Las Vegas while he was on leave from deployment in Afghanistan. We went on our trip in April.
We had mad chemistry! We just clicked. Never felt nervous around him at all. He was a great lover - kissed me so wonderfully.
Once he got back to Afghanistan, we continued to talk on Skype and facebook. We both played Mafia Wars - which is how we met - the only slight issue we had was that I did not like all of the sluts and whores he had added as friends - basically Lee just added anyone who sent him a friend request. I believe him about that but it still irritated me.
He always seemed to be a straight shooter - never really sugar-coated anything.
All I know is on a Friday, he and I had our video chat on Skype. He feel asleep before our call ended. Then on that next Monday - he got rid of his facebook accounts without even a note. That Tuesday morning I got a message in Skype telling me that he had gotten sick of facebook and he still had me in Yahoo and Skype. Did not hear from him until Friday when I had rang his Skype account - got a message back from him saying - hi cant talk right now everything cool been real busy will get back with your later bye. Well I have not heard from him since.
So I am left frustrated and confused. I do not know what the fuck happened.
I sent him a care package and when I had last spoken to him he had not gotten it yet - well I am sure he has gotten it. Most of what was in the box he knew he was getting - a blanket I made him, some cables for his computer he asked for, a pack of mini-snickers, a small photo book of pics from our trip to Vegas, and a black lace thong :) The note in the box said nothing that I had not said to him prior or written. I have a feeling that what was in the box dug up emotions within him that he would assume not happen while he was trying to focus on his job. I think that the fact that he had something from me that I made and had slept with and he could probably smell me on still.
I slept with the blanket because he said that he would rather have me to snuggle with - I told him I would sleep with it so he could snuggle with the blanket and it would be like snuggling with me.
Lee suffered a head injury back in March. He got hit with something inside of their truck after an IED was detonated underneath their truck. He has had horrible headaches since then. The Army just keeps giving him more medicine to help with his head. I think that all is really screwing with him. I also know that they changed his duties - he was the Sergeant over like 13 guys in a Sapper unit. After the headaches they decided to keep him inside the wire and gave him something else to do. I think all of that has contributed to where he went.
He used to sleep only a few hours a night and last I knew he was taking naps left and right. The medicine just took the life outta him.
I am left wondering what happened. It has been 4 weeks since I have heard from him at all.
I think I will hear from him again but right now it all hurts so much all of the not knowing - I feel like I need to distance myself emotionally. I am just so sick of tearing up and crying.
