Day 2

It has been a tough week. I am getting ready for a craft show this weekend. It is way the heck outta town for me. I had a great show this past weekend - sold lots and lots - thus I am stressing myself out trying to get more product made for this next show.

I am at heart a eternal optimist. I think stuff will turn out okay - I therefore thought or think that Lee's lack of communication is due to something other than him blowing me off. I really do believe that but to be on the safe side I need to remove myself from sending him any messages no matter the source.

It is tough for me but I need to distance myself from doing it. So I am kinda posting how I feel about it here.

I guess I figure if he needs the space so he can focus on his job is then okay - but I wish he would have told me. I just want to know the reason why. I think he is a real idiot for not letting me know. But then again men are idiots for the most part.

I happen to love this particular idiot. I know he cares about me. About a week before I last heard from him he told me that "other than my kids I only want to spend time with you" or something like that. He told me he cannot tell me how he feels until he is back from deployment. I understand that.

I guess all I want him to know right now is that I miss him horribly. I miss talking to him - miss seeing his smiling face on my computer screen. I miss listening to him. How he called me "baby". I miss his humor. I miss him talking dirty to me and me to him. I miss him spinning his laptop camera around to show me what his room there looks like. He was so funny about it.

Not hearing from him and talking to him hurts so much. I only had 6 days of being with him in Vegas but months of talking to him on the computer first through chats on facebook and then on yahoo messenger - pc to pc phone and then video chats. I miss my friend. I miss SFC Lee Gray Porter so much that it is a crushing pain. I just dont understand.

I miss his kisses and hugs and the way he kisses my neck but I knew that if that were to happen it would not be until sometime this Fall. I accept that and even though I miss it I knew it was not possible.

Lee - wherever you are tonight - I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe and doing okay. I will go to bed tonight thinking about you holding me tight to you. I wanna fall asleep listening to your heart beat. <3 <3 Please know I am thinking about you but I am trying not to talk to you. I hope you do miss me - deep inside - miss me and want me. I want you baby.....my tears tell it all.....